i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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