I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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