I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
