I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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