i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
