I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
