i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
