is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
