I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I AM VODKA MAN
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
