ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
