I molested 6 butterflies tonight
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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