Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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