yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize