He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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