I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
