The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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