Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize