Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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