Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
