no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize