I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
