Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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