How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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