i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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