shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
