Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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