You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
