my being single is dangerous.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
