Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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