when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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