you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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