her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
