you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
