True but thats because hes a fetus.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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