Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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