dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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