I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
