Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
