I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize