I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize