I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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