Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
