The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
