I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
