Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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