my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
