oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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