I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
