i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
