theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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