I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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