Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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