All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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