Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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