he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
