Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
