just survived the first fart of the relationship.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
