so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
