Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just googled if crying burns calories
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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