I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
