and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
