smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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