there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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