i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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