dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
