Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
